Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
