i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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