I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
