Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
