Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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