miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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