I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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