What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
