Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
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There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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