I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
