my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
