can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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