I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
