just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
