Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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