So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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