My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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