....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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