so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
