if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
