i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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