Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
