Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
