I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
