I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Oh god it's open bar.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
