pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
