Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you have to choose: penises or morals?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
