I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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