I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
