i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
