I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
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You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
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I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize