she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
operation harelip BJ is a go
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
