I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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