fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
