Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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