I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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