I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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