I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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