I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
