I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
