yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I didn't notice because vodka
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
