I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
