The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
