I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
