I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
