im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
