i was rollin on her like bob the builder
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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