I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
