The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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