2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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