i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
