I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
