I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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