I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
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Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
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Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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