i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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