my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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