The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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