you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
