textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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