Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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