I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
