You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
