I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
